Becoming WHOLE means uncovering some hidden truths

One day in the near future, I will stand in my truth and proclaim that “I am worthy. I am enough.” The road to that day will be paved with challenges, triumphs, self-realizations and truths that I have to be willing to acknowledge and embrace. It’s going to take courage and belief in myself that I am doing what is best for me. I have to trust myself and trust the process, because Lord knows there will be challenges.

How can I expect to give my daughter the best of me if I myself am not whole? It’s a question that I was afraid to ask myself for the first 4 years of my daughter’s life.

Somewhere deep inside of my soul, was a longing to resolve anything that might stand in the way of giving my daughter 100% all of me.

The thing is, I had no idea what those unresolved matters were…but they were there. Like a shell’s hard layer, the unresolved issues were just one layer below.

They were there every time I refused to look myself in the mirror and love the woman I had become. Curves on my body that weren’t always there, wrinkles that would appear out of nowhere and a smile that I had a hard time accepting. It was there when I had second guesses about my own happiness and worth in my marriage with her father. It was there when I would cry myself to sleep in the middle of the night because I felt alone and dark. And it was also there when I would feel panic about my daughter finding out the ugly truth of my past…Those unresolved issues where there all along, but I was unwilling to accept them.

Instead, I spent the first 4 years of my daughter’s life ignoring the unresolved issues in my life. Blissfully unaware of the pain and ugliness that lived inside my soul.

Until the moment I realized that I was broken.

It was the night I crawled into bed with my daughter after an argument with my husband. I was upset. For so long, I thought the unhappiness came from my husband’s inability to show me appreciation. But, laying in the bed with my daughter and crying to her—I realized that it wasn’t my husband’s inability—rather MY own inability to love myself. Because, here I was crying on my four-year-old daughter’s shoulder—seeing the look of concern and worry in her little eyes while she was trying to console ME. I was broken. My daughter could see it…and that night—I could see it.

That was the night that I began the ascent into my awakening. My journey to finding out what was bothering ME. And why was I so upset and angry. I took pen to paper and began writing….

I started with my story. From the very beginning… and unleashed years of regret, anger, hurt, and pain that I had been ignoring since my early childhood.

It was empowering to recognize the feeling and emotions that I had not named before. I dove into hours of books, podcasts and genuine conversations to help me begin to become whole again. To fix those broken parts of me that were angry and upset all the time…

Since that night, I keep talking about my discovery of truths and emotional healing. When I was able to face my past and have the courage to question why I was hurt—a rush of relief washed over me.

I’m willing to bet we all have things that we need to heal from. Past hurts, heartbreaks and experiences that we try to hide from the outside world.

However, the moment you step into your truth and face your deepest soul aches is ultimately what will set you free and enable you to heal…thus, becoming whole.

Until then, I will keep writing…and soul searching…and learning from my past mistakes. And looking forward to the day where I can say and believe with all my heart that “I am enough.”

What does becoming WHOLE mean to YOU? Share some thoughts in the comments below. If you enjoyed this post, please share with a friend to help spread this message. 

I Crave Authenticity and Realness

Everyone has a story to tell that’s worth sharing.

At my core- who am I?

For as long as I can remember, I’ve embraced a certain level of privacy and concealment around who I really am. You don’t know a dark side I once had when I contemplated a near death experience. You don’t see the pain behind my eyes when I long for a closer relationship with my family. You haven’t heard of the insecurities I’ve had all my life.

And that’s because I’ve blocked you from it. Like a layer of protection for me….from things like rejection, judgement and transparency.

Like I’ve written before, I’ve kept a lot of my deepest thoughts, secrets and dreams to myself as I put on a façade of who I think people want me to be.

It didn’t help that I grew up in a Corporate environment, where I was taught to keep things “politically correct.” If I wanted to get that next position, or move up the corporate ladder, I had to play the corporate game. To hell with that….

But, let me tell you—there is a certain sense of freedom that comes with discovering your story and telling it to the world. It’s like I’m ripping off a layer of disguise that I’ve assumed for over 30 years to reveal my stripped core. That’s where the vulnerability and truth live. Because stripping down to the inner core of my being is where you’ll find authenticity.

Next week, I’ll publicly tell my story to a room full of strangers. It will move me one step towards my authentic truth. However, even thinking about sharing my story makes me nervous. I wouldn’t be human if I didn’t say that I am timid about sharing a personal side of me that most do not know.

I’m scared of showing that vulnerability. Because part of me still thinks that vulnerability is weakness. If you hear and know me at my inner core, you’d be able to spot the points of weakness.

Instead, next week I will take that side of me that still thinks vulnerability is weakness and force myself to believe that it can be my superpower. Because when I’m vulnerable and transparent with you, I’ll be more real and human.

Over the last few months, I’ve reflected on who I am at my inner core. At the risk of being vulnerable, I am sharing a piece of what I’ve been able to discovered about myself so far…

At my core- I am a woman who seeks validation and emotional connection. I need to feel wanted, valued, and appreciated and if I don’t feel that from someone, I tend to shut down physically and emotionally. Despite all of that, I’m also loyal as hell and will go to the ends of the earth to protect the ones I love most.

At the end of the day, we all we all crave authenticity. Realness. And connection with others who have found their inner core.

The work is far from being done, but at least I’m one step closer to my inner core than I was yesterday.

Stripped down to your inner core, WHO ARE YOU? I encourage YOU to begin the feeling of freedom from any constraints that hold you back from being your authentic self. Who are you? Comment below to share your thoughts!

If you liked this post, SHARE with a friend or fellow momma who needs authenticity too!

IF YOU ARE IN THE PHOENIX AREA: Come join us at a Monthly Motivational Mixer hosted by my good friend, John Vasquez with JVImpacts as Candice opens up about her story and vision behind A Musing Momma. Thursday March 29th at Helton Brewing Company. Details and RSVP here.

On the surface, I’m OK

In July of 2017, Chester Bennington committed suicide. Linkin Park fans and what seemed like the entire world mourned the death of a “voice of our generation” as it was quoted in the news. Chester was 41.

On surface level, it may seem like I’m joining the rest of the world as we mourn the tragic death of a celebrity who we didn’t personally know. One may even echo the phrases “bandwagon” and “sensationalizing the topic” when hearing of just how hard I took the news. A similar outpour of opinions were also raised when the Original Netflix series “13 Reasons Why” became a hit overnight earlier this year. The main premise of the show was a teenage girl who committed suicide and documented on tape the 13 reasons why she chose to end her life. I saw the first episode, and I was hooked. So, to most people– it may appear that I’m just joining the bandwagon of relevant topics once they become popular… Of course, those people wouldn’t know the real reason why this topic hits close to home for me.

You see, depression and suicide is something that I have first hand experience with. I’ve felt the desperation and loneliness that drives someone to believe that the world would be better off without them. That’s what it really was for me… a sacrifice that I was willing to pay in order for the world to be better off without me. The darkness that I lived in was something that I learned to hide from the public eye. I would smile and even sometimes laugh, but I kept my distance from people. I cut off friendships and didn’t even care to immerse myself in high school life. From the outside, it appeared that I was a typical teenage girl with an older boyfriend who I thought I loved.

But, the relationship was toxic. We were young and naïve and didn’t realize the destruction we were causing each other. I felt worthless and desperate.  I spent countless nights alone in my room, crying myself to sleep. Often times, I found solace in the lyrics and voice of Chester Bennington of Linkin Park….

“Crawling in my skin, these wounds they will not heal. Fear is how I fall….confusing what is real”- Linkin Park “Crawling”

Honestly, it seems like a dream. I’ve even moved myself past the memory and forgotten that night. But then Chester Bennington and Chris Cornell happen. And my past pain resurfaces.

I’ve described it before as a time when a “dark cloud” constantly loomed over me. I would cry out for help, but didn’t find the support I needed. I couldn’t breath, I couldn’t imagine my future. I didn’t want to.

The topic of suicide and depression is something that means a lot to me, because I’ve personally lived through it. From my personal experience, depression comes and goes. Depression consumed me yet again in the form of “postpartum depression” when I first became a mother. It runs in my family history, and something that I constantly have to check myself from. Thankfully, I have learned to be positive and happy. I surround myself with people and family who truly care about me.

I consider myself a survivor, when so many have lost the battle to personal demons. For that, I am grateful and also feel obliged to share my story and increase awareness around mental health and depression.

My Unassuming Listener

I use to write a long time ago. In fact, it was sort of like therapy to me. I spent many sleepless nights alone in my room with a pen and loose leaf paper (the green notebook which housed many of these entries)…writing. Depicting a time of my life when I felt most alone, sad, angry, hurt. These were truly the darkest days I’ve ever experienced. Yet, the therapeutic rhythm to the scratch of that ballpoint pen helped to shine some light on those darkest nights. It was my relief, my unassuming listener, my tourniquet.

That was my therapy then. And somewhere along the way… I grew up.

Now well over 10 years later, I find myself longing for the same relief to a feeling that I haven’t felt since those days left alone in my room. I’ve abandoned that side of me that was able to let all feeling and emotions out through 15 minutes of writing. What does this say about me now?

I was driving home today from work and felt so empty. That all too familiar sense of sadness surfaced again as well.

So tonight as I publish my first post in 10 years, I am reminded about the concept of “unintended consequences” that a friend taught me a few years back. “A term used to describe a set of results that was not intended as an outcome.” There are things we sometimes do in life that produce consequences that were never intentional. Sometimes good, other times bad. This blog is meant to explain some of those actions that result in unintended consequences.

Life throws you curve balls; how do you deal with them?  This is how I deal.