My first time meditating….

I was sitting cross-legged on the floor in a dark-room with four women who I had never met before. Barefoot with my eyes closed and mind focused on breathing… I was meditating…I was in my zone.

“Take three deep breaths…. When you are breathing out, you are releasing all of the tension and negative energy that came with you today…”

PC: Mel Bosna Storyteller

Two years ago, I would have never been comfortable with this situation. Heck, even 5 months ago—I wouldn’t have pictured myself here— in the company of women who have mediated for years. I literally knew NO ONE, and here I was—being vulnerable and open to aligning with my inner peace.

Since the start of January, I’ve set out to put myself in more situations like this one. Completely open to the possibility of getting to know my real self . I’ve met people, experienced opportunities, and explored ways to take my dream and PASSION to the next level.

I couldn’t have imagined how FREEING this journey would become. Because, in the back of my mind—I’ve always wanted to practice meditation, but I never actually pursued it until the right person came along (That’s YOU, Sarah) to empower me to give it a try. Never in a million years would I have imagined putting myself into situations where I walk into an event, with not one familiar face and handle myself well. Am I uncomfortable at times? YES. But does that stop me? hell no.

Then it happened…

There was this moment during the session last night where I realized I was in the right place at the right time.

I was asked to visualize a person—living or dead. The person I visualized was my daughter. Focusing on my daughter, I was then told to imagine a rose that is absorbing all of the energy that I reflect onto her. Expectations, wishes, regrets and other things that I subconsciously reflect onto her. It was in that moment that I found myself fighting back tears. Struggling to keep myself composed in an effort to mask my real emotions from these strangers who surrounded me in that dark room.

PC: Mel Bosna Storyteller

In that moment, friends—it clicked. My expectations, my wishes, my regrets that I have belong to me and me only.

Although I wish the BEST for my daughter and want nothing more than her experiencing true happiness—the fact of the matter is that she will experience her own reality. She is taking up space in her own world, and it is my job to help her embrace the true person she is and will become.

And all of this was possible thanks to fate and intention. I unknowingly manifested last night’s experience. Just as I have been manifesting all of the experiences I’ve had over the last 5 months.

My journey began on January 1, 2018 with the sole purpose of creating opportunities for myself (personally and professionally)–allowing an organic community to form where women are seeking support, connection, growth and development. A Musing Momma has become the catapult for much of my soul searching and community growth.

For those of you who have been following along, THANK YOU. If you are new to this journey, welcome. My mission is to inspire you to embrace YOUR worth, CHASE your passion and find your community. THIS is your community. Let’s support and uplift one another, and I will happily be your guide during the journey.

For more information on this AMAZING meditation session and other classes available, check out Empower Wellness Studio AZ, follow the incredible Sarah O’Conner for all things Empower Wellness. The meditation was led by Adriana. Give her a follow too!

Do YOU meditate? How do you carve out some time for YOURSELF despite your busy schedule balancing work and home life? Share in the comments below!

Have YOU joined the tribe?! Sign up HERE for exclusive updates, giveaways and event invites!

Mark your calendar- Project: Passion Launch Party on June 9th hosted by Candice with A Musing Momma. Sign up HERE for event details.

LASTLY, if this post inspired YOU—please share this with ONE friend today!

On the surface, I’m OK

In July of 2017, Chester Bennington committed suicide. Linkin Park fans and what seemed like the entire world mourned the death of a “voice of our generation” as it was quoted in the news. Chester was 41.

On surface level, it may seem like I’m joining the rest of the world as we mourn the tragic death of a celebrity who we didn’t personally know. One may even echo the phrases “bandwagon” and “sensationalizing the topic” when hearing of just how hard I took the news. A similar outpour of opinions were also raised when the Original Netflix series “13 Reasons Why” became a hit overnight earlier this year. The main premise of the show was a teenage girl who committed suicide and documented on tape the 13 reasons why she chose to end her life. I saw the first episode, and I was hooked. So, to most people– it may appear that I’m just joining the bandwagon of relevant topics once they become popular… Of course, those people wouldn’t know the real reason why this topic hits close to home for me.

You see, depression and suicide is something that I have first hand experience with. I’ve felt the desperation and loneliness that drives someone to believe that the world would be better off without them. That’s what it really was for me… a sacrifice that I was willing to pay in order for the world to be better off without me. The darkness that I lived in was something that I learned to hide from the public eye. I would smile and even sometimes laugh, but I kept my distance from people. I cut off friendships and didn’t even care to immerse myself in high school life. From the outside, it appeared that I was a typical teenage girl with an older boyfriend who I thought I loved.

But, the relationship was toxic. We were young and naïve and didn’t realize the destruction we were causing each other. I felt worthless and desperate.  I spent countless nights alone in my room, crying myself to sleep. Often times, I found solace in the lyrics and voice of Chester Bennington of Linkin Park….

“Crawling in my skin, these wounds they will not heal. Fear is how I fall….confusing what is real”- Linkin Park “Crawling”

Honestly, it seems like a dream. I’ve even moved myself past the memory and forgotten that night. But then Chester Bennington and Chris Cornell happen. And my past pain resurfaces.

I’ve described it before as a time when a “dark cloud” constantly loomed over me. I would cry out for help, but didn’t find the support I needed. I couldn’t breath, I couldn’t imagine my future. I didn’t want to.

The topic of suicide and depression is something that means a lot to me, because I’ve personally lived through it. From my personal experience, depression comes and goes. Depression consumed me yet again in the form of “postpartum depression” when I first became a mother. It runs in my family history, and something that I constantly have to check myself from. Thankfully, I have learned to be positive and happy. I surround myself with people and family who truly care about me.

I consider myself a survivor, when so many have lost the battle to personal demons. For that, I am grateful and also feel obliged to share my story and increase awareness around mental health and depression.